A true lie that really happened just last week!
Got’dang’it all, I got abbyducted by Space Aliens from Outer Space last night! And impregnated! Impregnated aboard a UFO! All abbyduckyfied and impregnaciously messed up! Aboard a space ship shaped like a giant, flying zucchini squash. And I’m a man! A true human being! An Earthling! A Homo sapiens man! Got impregnated with a cluster of teeny-tiny baby octopus-crab hybrids plooped deep inside me bowels somewhere. Oh god. Goddess, too! Shit! What are we all gonna do? It’s worse than a face hugging chestbuster from Aliens. Yeah, remember Aliens? From 1986? Eeeewuh! And these Space Aliens who kidnapped me & my royal man nuggets had puppies & kitties, too! For breakfast! They feddem poor li’l ol’ cute puppies & kitties to each other, those hybrid octopuddy-crabby critters did! Tore those itty bitty mammals apart! Made me cringe! Then they impregnated me with a long, worm-like thang what looked like a, a, um, a giant squid pecker I guess!
Twas no fun! No, it was NOT!
They probed me anus & said they be lookin’ for Uranus. I told ’em, hell, it ain’t down in there but way up yonder. I pointed up high to the sky. Pointed with a crooked, li’l ol’ pinky finger I did, cuz they had me belly down, knees scrunched, and all lashed up tight. They said, “Earth Dude, lookit, you fool. If we turn yo body inside out, then all we can’t see becomes revealed as everything outside becomes yo insides. See?”
¡¡¡Oh, NO!!!
You don’t rilly wanna know about the evolutionary consequences of intelligent, deliberate panspermia, do ya?