Tag Archives: melancholia

My Journal: 2019

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My various journals, diaries, memoirs, and personal letters range across the times and spaces of my life. Sometimes I kept extensive private records, usually with an eye toward possible publication. Nearly everything I wrote was written with the intention, indeed a commitment to share with the world. Most anyone was welcomed to at least read my work. For perhaps too many other times, unfortunately, I didn’t record anything. Most of what I wrote prior to the house fire of 2010, boxes filled with letters, journals, and diaries are gone forever. All burned up. Regardless of what others thought, however, I wrote with the determination to show, tell, and share the truth as I believed and experienced events and the emotions, thoughts, and feelings related to them. Of those matters I felt too ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, or afraid of to address in public, well, I simply didn’t even write about such things. Those things may follow me into death for all I know. This diary-journal hybrid represents 2019. One last thing: I don’t use the full names of certain friends, relatives, and acquaintances. Some of them are disguised. Thank you.

Me in the middle with my two youngest daughters all so grown up. On picture-left (my right) is Talia. On your right is Kate. Both are children I chose to take on, love, and raise as my own. My oldest, Dylan, formerly Morgan, was unable to get off work. This was taken shortly after Talia’s dance recital at Broadway Performing Arts Center, Seattle. Saturday the 4th of May 2019.

Wednesday 23 January

Life is like a rollercoaster off the rails, ha ha! I’ve a muck hole fulla crappo, and ya know what? It sux, lol! And life is great anyway! Yeah, I’m good. 

Sometimes in the Silence I can feel energy from afar like water in the body. Can’t explain it, really.

In the moment an opening existed thru which I could feel you far away. I was reminded what a beautiful, brainy, emotional, & sensual woman you are way over there. It’s all reading energy by feeling into the energy as the conscious mind expands out into the world.

Praying for lots of peace & healing. Altho I don’t really pray. Not in a conventional sense. Maybe it’s time we just frakken beg for all we desire without any shame. Continue reading →

West Beyond Kitchen Windows

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(Aye, another jolly ol’ bad, bad poem here for ya)

1.
Mountains layered in rows of blue, indigo, and violet
advance and rise between the Pacific Ocean and the Salish Sea
into sunshine as clear as fresh-scrubbed panes of glass.
They uplift the frontier out there,
out west beyond large, old-fashioned kitchen windows.
The day is glorious outside, the Sun shines bright, 
there’s snow up high in the Cascades to our east,
and planets and stars align in night skies bereft of moon.
All my friends are out and about doing fun things,
Playing hard up in the mountains and relaxing down in the city.

I, however, sit at home where maritime clouds of silver and gray
hang heavy inside the bones of my mind,
heavier than when those clouds sprawl across Cascadian skies.
Instead of being outside hiking, paddling, climbing, skiing, or
perusing book stores and funky shops with cups of coffee in hand,
I burrow down into the self-isolation of self-partnership gone awry to write horridly-wrought, quasi-autobiographical prose poems and binge
on Netflix videos in a bottomless hunger to
satiate my addiction to online vicariousness.

Energy spent to hold up and push away the weight of heavy clouds
leaves me exhausted, my excitement obliterated, and my wants and desires to get outside into this spectacular and beautiful day buried
under Pyramids of Forgetfulness.

Continue reading →