– a short snap of a tale –
She sighed as her iPhone buzzed hard enough on her desk to spin sideways. Maddy glanced at the time and just knew who texted her. Should’ve turned off all notifications, she grumbled. Diddy, her ex-husband, had texted her yet again. They’ve been divorced nearly 20 years now, remain friendly acquaintances even tho they live in different states and have two children between them. But why in hell did she ever married anyone named Diddy? What a stupid, fucking name! Of course, Diddy wasn’t his real name. Austin Willis Wallace was.
His mama used to play Bo Diddley records back when he was a little boy, however, and little Austin Willis would boogey around the house so much his daddy called him, “Diddy.” Name stuck. “Lookit Diddy go!” folks used to say. And when he grew up and married Maddy, he impregnated her. Two twin boys resulted, Dilbert and Data, named after two characters, one a cartoon and the other an android. Maddy rolled her eyes remembering her crazy youth and sighed with annoyed exasperation as her smartfone vibrated across her desk again. That goddamn Diddy!
Maddy worked as a nurse in neuro-oncology and had hoped to retire already, but having kids late in life plus the economic and financial upheavals of the pandemic, climate change, and the war in Ukraine made it imperative to keep chugging away RNing on people’s brains. She was busy, tired, had to help Dilbert pay the initial installment on his reactivated student loans, and just wanted to go home and soak in the bathtub and play with her waterproof vibrator.
OK, what the hell, Maddy decided. She reached out and picked up her iPhone. Yes, sure enough, a text had popped in from Diddy. That goddamn Diddy! What did her ex-hubby have to say this time? She clicked on the message.
Hi Maddylicious! Good Mawnin!
I’ve been pooping 5, 6, 7 times a day lately! Big dam poops 2! Feel OK even so. Seems a hella lotta shits tho! Why do I poop out such big mountains?
OMG!!! Maddy thought as she scratched herself. She pounded her thumbs down on the fone.
Leave me alone Busy now
Google it
Her ex-hubby was a Taurus, however, and stubborn as old nails.
Aw, c’mon, Spunky Boo. U a RN; used 2b a colon hydrotherapist. Any idea why i be a pooping so much?
Maddy stared back blankly as evil thoughts churned thru her brain. Was reminded of the last time she assisted the surgeon with removing a tumor from a man’s brain when they first opened the skull and discovered tapeworm cysts scattered like little bitty blueberries embedded in pinkish-silvery muffins. Neurocysticercosis. OK, Diddy!, she growled to herself as she tapped back.
OMG Diddy u shit cuz u shit
How the hell i know why u shit so damn much?
Ain’t looked up yo ass in 20 yrs!
Maybe u got IBS. Maybe u eat too damn much!
Could be cancer. Maybe u got worms!
Her ex-husband texted back. Usually he was voluminous and had to tell a story every single time he texted. This time, however, Diddy was brief.
Do worms cause cancer? Thx
“Goddammit, Diddy!” Maddy blurted out a little too loud at the nurse’s station. Then she remembered he once traveled around the world after their divorce and spent time exploring tropical regions in Africa, Asia, and South America. She had to text him back.
Sometimes, yes
Many parasitic worms in tropical countries can trigger cancer
Very rare here in USA
Research online & call a dr cuz i dunno why u shit so much now leave me alone plz cuz superbusy @ work
Maddy waited. Usually Diddy would respond quickly with, “OK thx,” but this time there was only silence. Hell, she mused, maybe he had something truly alien and malignant somewhere up in his bowels after all. He would often talk about UFOs and flying saucers and extraterrestrials and even alien abductions. Jokes about ETs probing up his ass would piss him off big time.
Once a friend with too many beers waved his index finger at Diddy and giggle-wiggled it like ET’s fantastically long finger from that old UFO movie. Yeah, the one with the kid riding a bicycle with an alien on the handlebars. Flew up thru a midnight sky over the trees and across the moon. Boy, Diddy got so mad! He jumped up and nearly punched his buddy in the face. Was so drunk he tripped and fell over backwards instead. Everybody laughed including Diddy. “Just keep yer finger away from my bloody damn ass!” he shouted.
Maddy chuckled in remembrance. Then she felt wistful and wondered what it would be like to make love with Diddy again. After all, both were still single after all these years.
Last time was, what, like 21 years ago or something. Outdoors bent over a mossy log deep in the forest. In the dark, too. Was in Olympic National Park outside Sol Duc Hot Springs. A damn cougar could’ve pounced on them but all their hot, horny grunting and groaning and wild crazy humping probably scared the cougars off.
She pushed her iPhone away, peeked at it one more time, and turned back to face her desktop computer. There were a lot of reports to fill out and file away. Then her fone buzzed hard again. Dammit! Kaleidoscopic images of flying saucers, brain worms, and sex on a log spun momentarily thru her mind. Maddy shook her head, ignored the fone, stood up, and padded off to get another cup of coffee. Had to clear her mind. There was cancer to fight. Outside a mass of dark, heavy clouds pushed in low from over the mountains. Won’t drown love, tho. Love shines anyway regardless of how messed up life becomes. Especially as she had one eye on an mandolin player with willowy, silver tresses who could bounce a cigarette on his lips like Mickey Hart playing drums.
William Dudley Bass
Thursday 24 March 2022
Seattle, Washington
USA
Cascadia
Earth
Sol
Copyright © 2022 by William Dudley Bass. All Rights Reserved by the Author & his Descendants until we Humans establish Wise Stewardship over and for our Earth and Solarian Commons. Thank you.